[Ed. note: new feature where I bitch about something something.]

Oh, Ye, you incorrigible gay fish.

The innocuous event that even shut-in hermits with no access to fresh water have heard about is exploding all over the news and internet. Kanye felt it absolutely necessary to let the world know that Beyonce’s video was “totes” better than Swift’s video, which was so brave and courageous (He did it on stage! In front of tweens! You know how hard they are to please! Especially without Auto-tune!) that it earned him the Prestigious Presidential award of “Jackass of the Generation of this Decade.”

Of course, as the title of the feature suggests, I’m here to tell you the REAL reason people are raging, gossiping, and talking about this more than, let’s say, health care-something-or-other. It’s not about the interruption, the public perception of out-of-control celebrity rage, or Kanye’s batshit-insanity (look at his fucking hair! Clearly, the guy needs psychiatric help). No, dear readers. I’ll tell you what this is about.

No one knows what the hell West was talking about.

The tirade comes during a bizarre celebration of some sort of archaic nonsense so irrelevant that even its mere presence is kind of a scientific anomaly (but by no means proof of God’s existence; it somehow even discredits it). I’m not even sure what those colored, interlaced lines represent in that exact sequence. MTV’S VMA Awards? What’s an MTV? What the hell are VMAs? What do MTV and VMAs have to do with each other? And we’re awarding this? Can I get one?

And during this hodgepodge of teenage delight (not of the pre-marital kind! That’s for our vampire frienemies), as Taylor Swift received her statuette (for, I assume, having a last name that’s synonymous with “quick” or “David the Gnome’s getaway animal”), Ye proceeds to hop on stage and sprout a series of words that, while individually make sense, collectively sound like the insane ramblings of a Vietnam vet who really didn’t go to Vietnam but just has schizophrenia and pines for a magical, bizarre world of these, I assume, psychotic visions of hallucinations referred to as “music videos”. Buh? THIS IS CRAZY TALK.

Kanye might as well have interrupted the TEEN TALK TBH AWARD show, where TBH stands for absolutely nothing that anyone actually knows or particularly cares about, and screamed “I’m gonna let ya finish yo’ thing, but that sperm waster chick over there has one of the hottest widgets this side of Pleasantville.” Utter nonsense. We’re still trying to figure out WHAT IT ALL MEANS in the greater sense of things. Beyonce’s video? You mean one of her home videos? Did she release a porn video? Is video some feminist term meaning “aura”?

But, fuck it. Let’s swallow the Adderall and pretend for a second we all know what a VMA is and spent the man-hours watching them. Which one would indeed be the better one? Well, I’ll be the decider here, and ultimately determine which video is indeed the “hottest”.

Taylor Swift – “You Belong to Me”

Oh, nerd girl, you’ll never get the guy unless you take off your glasses. Nothing kills a boner faster than eyewear. I can imagine that conversation.

Guy: Hey, baby, how abut we—“OH GOD WHAT IS THAT ON YOUR FACE, A DEADLY SPIDER?”

Girl: They’re my glasses.

Guy: *PUKES*

That, by the way, takes place over window-tag via shapies and notebooks. Instant messenger just lacks the “shitty handwriting” authenticity and love. And PHONE CALLS? FUCK THAT.

As for the song? Meh. I probably could play that guitar rift, and I don’t know the difference between a guitar and a latte. (I will give props to the fact that the music actually relates to the video. I’ve never seen that happen before, ever.)

Beyonce – “Single Ladies (Put a Ring on it)”

Ooh, yeah! 90s dance routines with 2000 editing techniques! It’s as if the intro to In Living Color was in black and white (the goddamn irony!) and shot by the Saw director(s). And what shitty, shitty choreography. Usher, show her how it’s done, please.

….

What, you played out, too? Damn.

As for the song? Meh. I guess the single ladies like it. Was this the song Stephanine Meyer was listening too before she envisioned celibate vampires? No, it was Muse, but I’d like to think she’s all about interracial musical tastes.

So, which music video is the better of the two? The answer may surprise you.

Beastie Boys – “Sabotage”

This was, is, and will be the best music video ever made, ever.